


Sunshine Becoming Night *Phan*

by TheAlmightyGayWarrior2021



Series: That Gay Shit [2]
Category: dan and phil, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dan Howell, Bisexual Male Character, Dan Howell/Phil Lester - Freeform, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Fighting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, POV First Person, Phan - Freeform, Sick Character, Smut, True Love, YouTube, YouTuber Dan Howell, YouTuber Phil Lester, big gay, cancer au, gay shit, sick au, that gay shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlmightyGayWarrior2021/pseuds/TheAlmightyGayWarrior2021
Summary: *phan**SMUT-- ish*Fear is something no one can control. Except... you can. What you fear is what you choose. So maybe instead of fearing the loss of someone you love, you should fear the aftermath. Or, fear neither, and keep them from fearing death.Cancer is a motherfucker, and Dan will be damned if he suffers for long.





	1. Prologue

He ate my cereal. He ate my cereal like he normally does in the morning. He'd eat it, wash out his dish, then go back to his bedroom to lay down. Most of the time he forgets to take his meds; making me chase after him to take them in time so he doesn't get sicker than he already is. Everything's been complicated since Phil got sick. He's been more irritable, and he's looking paler than he usually does. Every day it gets worse, having to listen to the boy I love puking his guts up like some type of hospital patient, finding the big clumps of black hair all over the house and on his pillow, seeing his normally vibrant blue eyes fading to a distant grey.

I noticed him becoming ill about six months after our wedding. God did he look beautiful in his suit, his light-hearted smile coming closer down the aisle to me, his dad looped around his right arm. Marrying my best friend was something truly amazing, and I'd never been happier than I was then. Then Phil started to deteriorate. We had kept our same apartment we'd live in before, just made Phil's bedroom into our honorary video making room, and traded my bed out for a king size. Phil would wake up in the middle of the night coughing, and sweat to the point where he would dehydrate himself. We passed it off, I gave him some Aleve and went on with our lives.

After a while, he started complaining of back pain, and he was constantly fatigued, and then it escalated to him barely even being able to keep his food down.

The doctors told us it was just the flu, but I knew something more was going on when the meds didn't work. I felt it in the bottom in my stomach; the twisty, gross feeling you get when you're about to throw up. But I never threw up when I felt that feeling. I just started crying. I cried, and I cried, and I couldn't stop. I didn't know why I was the one crying, though. It's not like I was the one dying.

Dying. That's a word I try to avoid as much as possible. It just makes me think of Phil.

It took months for me to finally take Phil to the hospital. I should have earlier, not that it matters now. I can't change the past, but God, do I wish I would have forced him to go... He never wanted to go either. I guess we were both too scared of what the outcome would be.

The weeks after the doctor's visit was the hardest. Phil had started chemotherapy, and it only made the symptoms worse. There isn't a time when Phil isn't vomiting his guts up, or he isn't angry and irritable, or in pain.

God, he's always in so much pain. He's almost always doubled over, clutching onto his stomach, his head, his arms, bones, throat, the list goes on. He's in the bathroom so much by now I just set him up a little bed on the floor. I sleep in the bathtub, and he's by the toilet.

Cancer's one hell of a disease.


	2. Chapter 1

"Maybe six months..."

Air became thick, and unsatisfying. Hot and dry. I could feel my heartbeat elevate, thumping and pounding in my chest. I couldn't feel tears coming, which was weird. When it came to Phil, i was always crying.

The doctor disappeared back down the hallway, zig zagging around passing patients and nurses and equipment. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. How can you? How do you tell your husband, your best friend he was gonna die in a couple months? How, soon, his body will be lifeless, and he'll be put in a hole to rot. How his mum will be there, crying over how he left before she did. How his brother will be there, reminiscing over their time together. How i'll be the one speaking about how he was gone too soon. About how much i loved him.

How do you tell someone they're going to die?

I finally broke down after what felt like hours, but it couldn't have been more than a few moments; i could still see the doctor down the hallway. I slowly back up against the wall, one hand over my chapped lips, and the other guiding me to the wall. I wasn't making any sounds, just breathing into my palm. Tears were flowing, and my sobs were muffled. It sounded forced, the crying did, and it kinda was. I was guilty. Guilty and scared as to why i wasn't feeling sad... Maybe it just hasn't really kicked in that i'm gonna lose my best friend. Of course, i should have been expecting this news at some point, just not so soon.

Last night was hard. I knew something was wrong since the moment he woke up this morning. He was cold, but feverish. Goosebumps littered his arms and neck, making his hair stand up. The bags under his eyes became a dark purple color, almost resembling a violet color. His bed sheets were soaked in sweat, and he seemed to pained to even stand up, but he tried anyway. After he made his way to the kitchen, he got himself some cereal and sat at the counter, just like any other day.

I could tell right away this was one of his worse days, which meant he would be irritable, so i left him alone. I sat in the chair next to him, sipping my tea and scrolling through my phone. Many of our subscribers started asking why we hadn't uploaded in awhile. Now that i'm thinking about it, i haven't posted a video since Phil was diagnosed... They've heard nothing from us in almost six months. I tried to carry on as normal after the visit, but every time i would turn on the camera i would just start crying, so i never got around to telling them.

We never made a coming out video, just a tweet was all it took. "Yes homo" was all i said, and they got it. Then we made another video briefly talking about our wedding, and how Jay and Joci are living their lives just a few streets down from us. They haven't married yet, because neither of them have had the guts to ask. Jay told me she already had a ring, and Joci told Phil she got one for Jay... What freakin' dorks. They don't know either... Phil just claims he has a cold, and stays in the back room whenever they come over, and i can't find a good way to tell them. It'll hurt all of us too much.

Phil got up and walked into the kitchen, setting his bowl in the sink and going towards the medicine cabinet. He picked out his morning pills, and tried unscrewing the top. I knew something was off, because he can normally do it on his own. I sighed, getting down from my stool walking over to him. I gently tried to take the bottle out of his hands, but he snapped at me, claiming he could do it. I let it go, even though his tone does hurt sometimes... This isn't the Phil i married.

He eventually gave up and handed me the bottle, where i opened it in under a few seconds. I handed him two pills, then walked to the sink to get him some water. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds after i turned away when i heard a crash. Startled, i dropped the glass in the sink, leaving the water running to turn around and find Phil on the ground, blood draining from his nose as he let out small whimpers. He was sweating, and shaking uncontrollably. I put a hand over my mouth and dropped down next to him, screaming and shaking for him to wake up. I couldn't hear anything, just the high-pitched ringing in my ears, everything seemed to be in slow motion. I was shaking probably as much as Phil was, and then suddenly i heard the door get kicked open, and everything went back to original speed. I was balling, shaking him. He was motionless, still, barely breathing.

I felt myself being pulled back, and i fought against the restraint, screaming for Phil, and yelling for the person to 'get their hands off of me'. A woman, maybe in her early thirties, was the one i was fighting against. She kept shushing me, and pulling me away from my husband. I saw two other men running to Phil, one kneeled by him to check his pulse, while the other shut off the water and pulled out his cell phone, fiddling with it before putting it to his ear. I couldn't comprehend what was being said, all i saw was Phil. The man that was next to him was trying to wake him, and attempting to still him. I heard my name being called, and before i knew it i was face-to-face with the woman. She was our neighbor, Mrs. Lemming, and her husband and son were the ones helping Phil. She was holding my head, whispering things to me and hugging me closely. She led me away from the scene, and into the hallway where she kept me steady against the wall.

Hours later, we're here. At the hospital. I managed to get myself together enough to stop crying. I wiped myself up and walked back into the room. He was awake, and looking... actually quite decent. He was smiling, and his skin finally had some color to it. He was beaming, almost. I don't know if it was just my imagination or not, but... he seemed almost healthy-looking. I smiled too, and giggled a bit when he made a pulling motion for me to come closer. I pulled my sleeves down past my palms, and cupped them with my fingers. I walked over to him and leaned on his bed. I kissed his lips gently, and for the first time in three months, they were warm. As we both pulled away to breath, my eyes made there way up to meet his, and i saw the blue i didn't know i'd missed so much.

But he was still dying.

"I love you, Phil. I've never loved anyone more," I smiled. He smiled back and repeated my words. A knock came to the door.

"Are we interrupting?" It was Mrs. Lemming and her family. Phil seemed confused, but i waved it off, welcoming them inside. Each of them had some type of 'get well' present in their hands, consisting of teddy bears, balloons, etc. They've always been sweet neighbors... There son was only like twelve when we first moved in. He's grown quite a bit. He's almost as tall as me.

They were Americans. Moved to England because the father had business. I've only talked to them a few times, mostly us running into each other in the hallway. I remember once me and Phil were holding hands while unlocking our apartment door, our rings were really apparent, and the woman congratulated us, saying she would cater our wedding. And she did, which was funny. Maybe i should actually learn their names one of these days, especially after all they've done.

"Oh you didn't, we were just talking." Phil smiled. The woman put down the bouquet of 'get well' flowers she was holding, placing them gently on the side table. She smiled up at Phil.

"I'm glad you're okay, it was... scary seeing you like that. You're normally so... Vibrant." She spoke. Phil shrugged, unsure of how to respond. "My name is Idiona, by the way. And I know you're Dan and Phil, my eldest daughter loves you guys. Uh, this is my husband Stan, and our son Preston. We, uh, heard screaming and went to investigate. I promise we're not stalking you guys."

Idiona was a smaller woman. Blonde hair, caucasian, and large green eyes. Her son looked exactly like her husband. Dark eyes, light hair, and a Braude stature. Very lean, and bear-like. I stood and shook their hands, putting the gifts on the other side tables. "I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, but... what do you have?" The son spoke for the first time, trying to make eye contact, but ended up reverting back down to the floor every time. So he was awkward, wow same. Idiona gave him a look, as if saying 'that wasn't appropriate'. The mom in her came to light.

Phil smiled at her. "It's fine, he's curious. I have this thing called Myeloma. It's a blood cancer. That's why I, uh, had that seizure. There's infected blood traveling to my brain. At least that's what the doctor told me." He said. He had explained the disease so many times to so many people before, it's memorized like a script. The son nodded and looked back down at the floor.

"So, Phil, what do you wanna do when we get home? Not too much activity, but i know you're too wired to sleep. Plus the doctor has already released you. All we gotta do is sign a few papers."

We later decided on a movie night.

After we had left the hospital, the Lemmings being nice enough to drive us back, I planted Phil on the couch, and put my ass right next to his.

I couldn't bring myself to focus on the film. My mind was reeling with that date, the six months i have left of him. I sure as hell don't wanna sit around for the time we have left, but i don't wanna force Phil to do anything he's not comfortable with, or is physically able to do. He's gonna start to deteriorate. And quickly. Maybe... Maybe Phil has a bucket list. It's never occurred to me before that Phil would have a bucket list, but maybe for these next few months we can check some things off, one at a time. Yeah... A bucket list.


	3. Chapter 3

I decided it was time to make the video. I'd been dreading this, especially since a lot of our audience relies on us to live. But, I know it will only hurt them more if I wait till...

I set up my tripod, put up the lights, and sat my ass down in my desk chair. I had already asked Phil if this was a good idea, and he seemed to think so after my reasoning. He was hesitant at first, not wanting any more of our friends to know. Of course, there were the Tumblr rumors. There were rumors that we secretly had a baby, or moved out of the country, or got caught in a bear trap and bleed out and died.   
There we go, bringing us back on the topic of death. For me, death has never been a hard topic to cover. I thought about the inevitability of it all the time... But now, I can't even look at a hospital without feeling a knot in my throat. Phil's been... pretty normal, I guess. I told him about what the doctor told me, and he just kinda... blanked. Ever since he's been acting like the same old Phil, with exceptions. I also asked him about his bucket list, and he said a lot of the stuff he wanted to do was completed when we went on tour, but he said there was still some things he wanted to do. Remind me to ask him for a list later. 

I took a breath and turned on my camera. I smiled and started.   
"Hi, guys..." I started. "So, I know it's been a long time since either of us, me and Phil I mean, have posted a video. But, there's a reason for that." I said. My smile fell, and I blinked a few times, bracing myself for what I was about to say. "About eight months ago, Phil started acting... a little weird. He would wake up coughing, sweaty, and he would be sick constantly, so it finally got to the point where I decided to take him to hospital. After a few blood samples and a lot of waiting... we discovered that, uh, Phil had... a special kind of blood cancer." I said. I blinked a few times, scratching the side of my head and fixing my fringe.   
"It's been a hard few months for him. For me, too. Currently, he's on the front couch watching Game Of Thrones, so other than the constant medications he's pretty normal. A week or two ago, we came home from the hospital after he collapsed in the kitchen." I fidgeted with my fingers, my eyes starting to water and go red. I never knew to talk about him would affect me so much. Normally I can talk about it just fine. Maybe it's just me actually processing it, or maybe it's just telling the people who made us...us. This will crush them.

"I-I remember just... walking into the hospital room and seeing him looking... like himself. Finally, for the first time in six months did he look like he did before cancer. And... It hurt me so much to hear that the man I love, probably only has a few months left. That's what the doctor told me. He said six months, and goddammit this will be the best six months of his life, and I'm gonna make sure of it. Please, send your love towards Phil, show him you care... He needs it right now." I said. I was crying by then, my voice cracking a lot towards the end.   
"Guys, I'm going to quote myself here. Every book has the last page, every movie has the credits, and... every Youtuber has their last video. And I'm sad to say this is mine. Guy's, it's been an honor entertaining you, and you've helped me so so much throughout the years. Hell, you guys introduced me to my husband. You helped me discover myself, and there's no way I can ever repay you. Just... keep living, okay? Just... don't give up. Fight. Please fight... fight through your anxiety, and the stress and the depression and just... keep going. Keep fighting... and maybe you'll convince Phil to continue fighting too. So... This is me, signing off Youtube for the last time... So... Uh..." I put my two finger salute on my forehead. 

"Goodbye internet."


	4. Chapter 4

Not five minutes after I uploaded, the comments came flooding, as did the twitter notifications, and the news began to spread. And fast. Tumblr is a hell of a sight. Both mine and Phil's phones were blowing up, and we eventually had to just turn them off. After a few hours, I had to turn mine back on to phone my dad. As I did I saw many many missed phone calls, thousands of Instagram and Twitter notifications, and text messages from some of our Youtuber friends. Tyler, Cat, Louise, PJ, Chris, even Anthony Padilla tried to contact us. I went and turned off my twitter notifications, and all my other social media before calling back Tyler, who was the first in my phone for missed calls. He picked up almost immediately.   
"Dan what the fuck."  
"Hello to you too, Tyler." I chuckled. I noticed the silence on the other side of the phone, and I immediately grew worried. "What's wrong?"  
"What's wrong?!? Dan, why didn't you say something earlier? Or at least told me individually? You're a good friend of mine, and if there was something... this severe going on, I'd want to be there to comfort you." I relaxed myself against the couch, listening to him ramble. The video was hard enough for me to make, having to give up everything I've worked for. It's not for me, which is something that's gonna be hard to grasp. I'm selfish, aren't I? Tyler continued to ramble.

"Ty," I stopped him, and the line went quiet. "Tyler, what I don't think you understand is it wasn't me I made the video for... Phil's only getting worse, and I understand your frustration but think of him. We didn't tell anyone. It wasn't just you. We... He didn't want anyone to know, so no one would worry." I let the silence grow for a second. I heard heavy breathing on the other side of the line, and then sobbing. My heart broke, hearing him cry. Tyler doesn't cry often, he's a puppy. He's not supposed to cry. He shouldn't have to. Especially because of me. "Ty I didn't-"  
"No don't apologize. I just... I've known you guys forever, and hearing you... watching you break down on camera, and then knowing that he's gonna die just makes it worse!"  
I froze, my fist clenching around the phone. Tyler said it. How could he say that to me? Why would he say that? The line on the other side was quiet for a sec before he started speaking again. "Dan? A-are you still-" I hung up. I didn't even let him finish before I hung up. Quite honestly, I was just angry, not at Tyler, necessarily, but at Phil... He made me rely on him: for comfort, and for love, and for a lot of other bullshit I couldn't get from anyone else. I was angry at the fact that I trusted him enough to let my guard down, and now he was just... leaving me!  
I'm being selfish. But I mean, what else is new. I always had the spotlight, and Phil had nothing. He never got any credit for anything he did... whether it be the Toilet Tag, 7 Second Challenge, literally 3/4ths of TATINOF, and even me! He was the reason I started my channel, and I still have more subscribers! It's been 14 mother fucking years and he still only has six million. It's fucking bullshit! It's not fucking fair!   
In the midst of my breakdown, I threw my phone, basically shattering it. I put my hands over my eyes and slid down the side of my couch. I was sobbing, to the point of exhaustion. My head was pounding, and the tears were coming so fast to the point where I could barely even feel them on my face. I was on the floor for minutes, before I felt the bile start to rise in my throat. I got up, sprinting into the bathroom where I collapsed in front of the toilet, vomiting. I heard a door open, and slow scurrying down the hallway. Phil eventually emerged in the doorway, a blanket wrapped around his whole body and over his head, only his face is visible. He walked into the bathroom and sat on his knees next to me, his pale hand emerging from under the blanket and was placed on my back, rubbing small circles. I used toilet paper to wipe whatever residue was on my mouth, throwing it into the bowl before putting down the lid and flushing it. I wiped the stray tears that fell from my eyes and slowly leaned back against Phil. He put his palm on my forehead, checking for a non-existent fever.  
"Sorry for worrying you, babe... It's just... I don't think to post that video was such a good idea. I'm getting calls from everyone and it's becoming stressful and.... And I don't wanna lose you, Phil." He chuckled and leaned up against the wall, wrapping the remainder of his blanket around me. He was cold, but somehow it was comforting. Under the covers and out of sight, he tangled his fingers into mine, locking our palms together as he slowly slid his thumb across my knuckles. He let out a huff of hot air, putting his chin on my shoulder.   
"Everything will be fine, Dan... I promise."  
"I didn't mean to wake you if you wanna go back to sleep you can."

"I'll be fine," he said. "I've been sleeping all day." The smile he presented himself with is what inclosed my suspicions. Everything seemed so... natural. The feeling of his sweaty t-shirt pressed against my back, and the sound of his light even heartbeat thumping by my ear, seeing as my head was nuzzled into his collarbone. Phil had never been shy around me, or really around anyone. As much as he claimed to be awkward (he is, don't be fooled), he was quite social. I was always the one afraid to be alone, which just makes me worry about the future.

I hadn't realized how long we'd been sitting there, just in each other's company until there was a loud banging on the door, and I stood up to answer. Phil grabbed my hand, giving me a worried look before I shot the same one back. We both chuckled, and I helped him up. I walked towards the door, Phil about ten feet behind me when I opened it. Immediately, I was smacked. This jolted me back to reality, knowing the feeling quite well from this particular person. I looked down, noticing the small blonde in the doorway, and the other figure behind her.   
Jay, an old friend was standing in the doorway, along with Joci, her girlfriend, behind her. Jay had cut her hair since the last time I saw her. I was shaved slightly on the sides and in the back, and a light fringe hanging in front of her eyes, the jell she used previously was obviously starting to fade. She was in combat boots and black ripped skinny jeans, a cream colored coat hanging on her shoulders, complimenting her grey v-neck. Her eyes looked sad, the normally vibrant green faded to a light blueish-yellow color, the red rimming around her bottom eyelid. She was shaky, and her mascara was smeared under her eyes, but not enough for it to be noticeable by anyone who wasn't looking. Her small hands folded into fists, her teeth clenched so hard I was scared she was gonna crack one of them. She was looking me dead in the eyes, and she let out a frustrated, throaty scream before wrapping her arms around my chest and hugging me tightly, before walking past me into the house. She was looking around until she spotted Phil. Immediately, I noticed the loss of tension and anger in her posture, where it then relaxed into a more nurturing state. She had a habit of doing that, changing her emotions quickly depending on the person she was interacting with. She walked over and put her palms on Phils cheeks. He leaned into the touch before she got on her tippy toes to hug him tightly. Jay, only being around 5'4, had nothing against Phil's six-foot stature.  
Joci slowly stepped in after her, putting a comforting hand on my non-existent floppy bicep. I turned my head towards her, taking in her full appearance. She was dressed a little bit more feminine than usual, but nothing out of character. She was wearing a black skirt that went down to right above her knees, and fishnet stockings lead down her legs into a pair of black mary-jane heels. She was wearing a pink blouse, matching her nail color. She looked nice, business woman-like. Joci had always been a bit more compassionate in their relationship, but Jay was definitely the romantic. She was the one to plan the dates, but Joci always took it a step farther. Neither of them really acted like a couple though, more like best friends that liked each other a little bit more than best friends should.   
Her eyes were clouded, and it became obvious she had been crying. Her face was puffy, and her cheeks and lips were tinted a light shade of red. She cleared her throat, whispering best she could.   
"She's just upset... I.. don't think she meant that." She said to me. Her voice was hoarse and dry, yet soothing. I smiled down at her, welcoming her inside before I closed the door. Jay was still hugging Phil, the blanket that was previously around him was discarded on the floor. Jay unlatched when Joci walked over to hug him. As she turned, I noticed she was crying again, her arms wrapped around herself like a protective shield, seeking comfort from none other than herself. Obviously, they wouldn't be here or latching onto Phil like a leech if they didn't watch the video. They knew, and this is their reaction. This is exactly what we feared would happen.   
It was strange, seeing both of them so warped into their emotions. Both of them always seemed like fairly happy people, never straying from their on-going content charisma. Their life-long character development always pleased me when conversing with them~ there was always something new to discover about the two. Jay; she was the spunky one. Her personality wasn't constant, always wacked out and all over the place. She gave off a very vague and reserved personality, but all it takes is a single conversation with her to discover that she's more than what she's made off to be. She was gentle, she really was, but when excitement took over there was no stopping her from dramatically slapping someone in the chest out of exhilaration.

Joci, on the other hand, wasn't far off. They were two peas in a pod, neither daring to stray from the other. Joci was the loving one, the delicate sunflower bean everyone knows and loves. She's intimidating, but not in an overpowering sort of way. Her intelligence flows from her like something out of a movie, reminding me of Emma Stone in "Easy A". Jocelyn Jo -soon to be Jo-Anderson Lee- is a special kind of girl. She's one you can't find anywhere other than in her skin. She sees the best in people, optimism flows through her blood- unlike Jays pessimistic personality-, and she's probably the single most ornate human I've ever come in contact with. She's a comfort, to sum it up, a fantastic addition to a life if you damned well took advantage of it.   
I noticed Phil started getting a little bit emotional as he latched onto the two girls. I maneuvered my way over to Jay and stood in front of her, at a lost for words- watching her shell crumble. She looked up at me slowly, her eyes overflowing with tears. She pulled her sleeves down and gripped the ends in her fists, slowly reaching up and grazing my cheek. I didn't even notice it was still stinging until her cold hand soothed it. I hummed, smiling at her. She chuckled and poked my cheekbone. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I was just... upset." I nodded into her hand, sending her the memo that I understood.   
There was silence for a long time being, until she sniffled, and began speaking again. "I-... We saw the video... it really... rocked my world, to say the least. I haven't seen you cry like that since you watched Charlie St. Cloud for the first time." She chuckled, slowly leaning back up against the wall. I smiled at that, appreciating her will to make it all seem better.   
I made my voice raise a few octaves, bringing my hands up in a dramatic fashion. "It was twelve minutes into the movie... I wasn't prepaaaared." I fake sobbed, making her giggle slightly. I looked over at Joci and Phil, noticing the sudden silence. They were both looking at us, a small smile tugging at the sides of both of their mouths. There was an awkward silence, but it only lasted a second before Phil's stomach erupted in its signature battle cry. Everyone made eye contact for a moment before we all started giggling. That was the thing with us. Ever since we met, everyone's always had the tendency to make the others laugh, even in the direst of situations. Come to think of it, I haven't eaten anything all day, and I did throw up awhile ago- maybe I should make some dinner, so we can all... converse about what we need to. I can tell by Joci's expression there's a lot she needs to get off of her chest, and not just the tears that have already been shed. Jay beat me to it, though.

"Why don't we get you out of the house for a bit, Phil. You both are looking paler than you usually are. And this place, for the first time in my teenage dream love-life fantasy, is completely bumming me out. Let's... How about... Or, I don't know, if either of you is up for it, I noticed a nice little diner about six blocks from here? We can go there and catch up on our lives." She suggested, a stray piece of hair- free from jell, hid her left eyebrow, close to poking her in the eye. Phil smiled at the suggestion and looked at the others for confirmation. We all silently agreed, making small mumbles of incoherent 'sure's' which filtered around the dull apartment. Joci interjected though, just as Phil put the blanket on the couch.   
"Ok but there was also an Antenna's much closer, and I need some pancakes in my life right now if everyone's down for that." After another silent confirmation, I projected a loud 'heck yeah' before disappearing down the hallway to get dressed, Phil following closely behind to get out of his own PJ's. I hadn't noticed that it was dark out until my eyes lingered towards the window. I saved my shock, not really having the energy to care enough about the suddenly stary London sky. Phil pulled off his shirt, and me being the nasty little perv I was, let my eyes wander across his torso. Of course, he was much skinnier than a normal human should be- but I couldn't force feed him anything. Sometimes his body agrees with the food and allows his digestive system to do the thing, but other times his stomach says 'Woah-ho-ho that's funny- you thought.' and then there's vomit. A few of his ribs tickled under his pale skin, the surgical scars and freckles not making him any less attractive than I already thought he was. A low groan escaped my throat, gaining his attention. He smiled up at me, giggling slightly. "What?" He asked. I felt the heat start rising to my face, but not to the point of a noticeable blush. I stood up straight, pulling my shirt my head and shimmying into a new one. He raised an eyebrow, his eyes never leaving mine. "You never answered my question, Daniel."   
I rolled my eyes, not noticing he was standing directly in front of me until I felt his hands slowly slither around my hips, pulling me closer. I let out a playful giggle- VERY out of character for me. I'm a manly man. All broody and manly. All my manly attributes cloud any of my femininity because I have a dick in my pants goddammit. He was still eyeing me; shiiiiiii-  
He leaned forward, kissing my jawline, his hands rummaging through my back pockets. I smiled, letting out a soft rangled breath, close enough to a moan to make Phil want to continue. I kept my hands stern on my hips, my fingers toying with my belt loops. Phil didn't let up, just pushing his bear chest closer to covered one. I don't know if it was the feeling of Phil's breath against my neck, or the fact me and Phil haven't actually... done anything in a reasonably long time, or just the anxiety of knowing there were other humans just outside the door~ but god damn my pants were becoming increasingly tighter around the pelvic region. And Phil knew it, too. Bastard.  
He pulled himself away a bit, just enough to look me in the eyes though. His hands lingered forward, tugging at the bottom hem of my shirt, pulling it up and rubbing the fabric between his fingers. "What? What were you looking at?" He whistled. His cold hand was placed on my hip bone, making a small shiver go up my side. Dear god did he know what he was doing, and he was doing it pretty damn well. I pulled my hands away and put them around his neck, my right hand looped around and playing with his hair. I took a handful of it, pulling it lightly- forcing him to hold his breath.   
"I was looking at my absolutely gorgeously stunning husband," I whispered, his ears turning a cute shade of pink. I released my grip on his hair, moving my hands down so both of them were resting on his shoulders, rubbing softly. He looked me up and down, his hands now completely under my shirt.   
"Hey, Daniel?" He asked innocently, his hands going just a bit further up. I chuckled.

"Yes, Phillip?"

"Do you fancy we just, oh I don't know, wash this shirt? It's a bit... dirty." He smiled, attempting to take it off for me. I assisted him, seeing as he was as good at innuendos as I was at exercising.   
"You're such a dork." I laughed, my grin stretching until I brought my lips to his. He kissed back, becoming the slightest bit more aggressive with it. I guess he was feeling the loss, too. I heard footsteps starting to walk down the hallway, but I tuned it out, not noticing Joci's wide-eyed grin in the doorway before she slowly closed it. As if on the cue of the click of the lock, Phil turned me, making me fall back on the bed, my feet still tipped towards the ground. His touch filtered away from my chest and to the tightness of my pants, slowly moving to unbutton them. His lips lingered just as his hands did, but only for a second before he started nipping at my jaw, then at my neck, then slowly down to my collar. I scooted my back upon the mattress, now fully laying down. My legs somehow managed to wrap themselves around Phil's torso. Phil was very obviously attempting to grind, his hips trying their best to move in sync with mine- but of course, Phil's uncoordinated ass couldn't decipher between the two motions. It just made me laugh louder, thinking about it. My eyes were closed, enjoying the pleasure of his hand now completely eloped inside my boxer-pee-hole thing. Wait, when did my pants get on the floor? Where did my shirt go? Hmm, they were missing, just like every shred of fuck that I don't give in this incredible moment. I was moaning, yet laughing just alongside with it, my hands toying and scratching at Phil's neck and upper back. He was still shirtless. Oh, snap. Holy shit. Ooooooh shooty-fruity-craparooty, this was happening. For the first time in almost six months, me and Phil were finally going to do the diddly-do. The ding-dang-dong. The Fa-la-la. SEX. Oh god, it's been so long since we've had actual sex. Of course, there was always the additional things we did once in a blue-freakin-moon, but this. Oh god, this. This was one of the things I missed the most out of everything.

I didn't realize how far we started to go until my boxers were off, and Phil was almost completely bare. My hands were shaking and scratching, unable to contain my excitement I flipped Phil on his back, straddling his now very naked thighs. I put one hand down on his chest, the other was dangling loosely at my side. He looked up at me, his hands now on my hips as I began my descent down on that deiock. Of course, without the additional variables, it was rough at first. Considering this hasn't happened in a while, it probably would have been a better idea if used lube like we normally do. Phil wasn't small by any means, so it hurt quite a bit to get it all in there. He gasped, his nails digging into my sides as soon as I managed to sit completely on his lap. I winced a tag at his slight jolt, but I eventually began to adjust and decided to try my luck with a bit of stretching. I used my knees to push up on the mattress, my hand not leaving Phil's chest. I gave myself another second to adjust before pushing back down. When I lifted, I only managed to pull out maybe three or four inches of Phil- and by now with him being incredibly erect, that was not a lot.   
Strangled moans flooded from Phil's mouth, and I couldn't surprise mine anymore either. The motion both of us managed to get into was incredible. Bringing close to the same amount of pleasure for both of us, it was an experience. Phil never cusses as much as he does when we get down to it. The pleas that come from his mouth when I take control are extraordinarily seductive; the loud cries echoing off every piece of furniture make me want nothing more than to just pin him down, and do whatever I please, and normally he's okay with me being in control, but for the first time in a long time, Phil seemed done with the slow pace we were going at. He maneuvered himself under me, pushing his hips upwards every time I went down, roughly slamming into my prostate. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to suppress screaming his name, and everything within me pulsated. He managed to gain my upper hand, flipping me down so my face was pressed into the mattress, hands gripping at the sheets- all this with the intense amount of pleasure flowing from Phil's very hard, very large cock.

He was on his knees now, letting himself have his way. I was defenseless, my mouth open as wide as it could get, each thrust consisting of me yelling and screaming his name~ only for it to be muffled by the black and white comforter below me. There was saliva dripping from my open mouth, and precum starting to form at the tip. Phil noticed my knees beginning to shake, and I can tell by the way his pace began to speed up he was almost as ready to burst as I was. His hand reached around, his fingers brushing lightly against my shaft before his hand quickly latched on and started to pump quickly. He went fast and hard, using his other hand to grab the back of my hair and pull, lifting my face from the cushion. The spit dribbled down my lips and chin, my eyes squeezed tight as I couldn't help but scream.

"Phil- fuck me. Don't stop-" I yelled, my cries answered when he sped his pace up. My toes ripped into the comforter, my ass pushing back hard against Phil's hips. My heartbeat sped, and my muscles ached; a warm and incredibly pleasurable release of myself spilled down my legs. Phil came soon after, both of us just sitting there, trying to catch our breath. It took a minute or two, but I eventually felt a loss inside of me, forcing out a groan when he plopped down next to me, facing the ceiling. My chest hit the sheets, and my arm snaked around Phil's chest as I scooted myself closer. There was a moment of silence before Phil spoke again.

"You do realize we promised to go to Antennas with the girls, like, an hour ago." I chuckled, my face flushed with embarrassment.   
"Oh God, I forgot they were here... we were so loud too." We both chuckled at this. I eventually turned my body so I was facing Phil, and he turned his head to look at me, both our legs still intertwined. My fingers were tracing slowly along Phil's stomach, and his eyes began to droop, but they were still open. We just... smiled at each other, his hand intertwined with mine and his index finger fiddling with my wedding band. He eventually let out a breath, breaking our comfortable silence by rolling over and standing to get out of bed. Confused, I just watched him get dressed. He seemed... exhausted. Not in a physical type of way- surprisingly, but emotionally drained. He quickly slid on some socks and shoes, grabbing a jacket before making his way to the door.   
"Come on" He called after me. "I'm starving."  
And then he shut the door. 

That's strange...

 

I didn't ponder on the subject, instead of rolling out of bed just as he did a moments before and quickly dressing. I wiped up the drip stains on the bed quickly, throwing away the paper towel I used and walking out the door. Joci was just scrolling through her phone absentmindedly, and Jay was behind her, fiddling with the hem of her jacket. Once they spotted Phil, we decided to finally take a walk down to the restaurant.

About midway there, I noticed Phil starting to lag a bit. I slowed my pace, letting the girls continue their conversation in front of us. I put a hand on his shoulder, asking if he was okay in the process. He looked at me and nodded, but I noticed his breath starting to become uneven.   
"I'm okay babe. I know that look you're giving me, and I'm good. It's just... our earlier activity took a bit out of me. I'm winded, but I'll be okay."   
In precaution, I grabbed some pills from the emergency bag we keep with us at all times and handed him to supplements. He knows I won't let up until he takes them, so he does reluctantly. After another good few minutes of walking, we finally made it to the Tennas of An, we got our table and sat down, flipping through the menu absentmindedly before Joci cleared her throat, gaining both me and Phil's attention. Both of the girls were looking at us, and neither looked pleased. 

"Tell us everything."


	5. Chapter 4

/I don't feel like writing a filler chapter so we're just gonna continue on with the plot/

After a few hours of explaining, and a few more hours of eating and chilling in the diner, they finally left and went back to their apartment, and we went back to ours, taking a cab on the way back. Phil, exhausted, instantly went into our bedroom to sleep for the night. It was late, and with his condition he should have been in bed hours ago.

Fear is constantly evident. The fear of the ones you love slipping away, the fear of the end; for not just yourself, but maybe humanity as a whole. Movies like to portray fear as physical. Murderers, rapists, scary clowns jumping out of hidden doorways, monsters lurking around corners, but in reality fear is a lot more than just what's happening around you. Fear is like love. It seizes all opportunity to ruin you.   
Though you can't have love without fear, or fear without love. But without fear, life just isn't interesting- us humans always need something to keep us on our toes. Fear can be personated in an emotional way- hence the fear of losing something. Or someone, in my case. Sometimes it's the fear of gaining something: like sickness or a past terror. In many cases emotional fear is even more dangerous than physical fear- which is the goosebumps that riddle your arms, or the tremors down your spine. But let me share with you a secret...

Nothing is scary unless you make it.

Which is why your mind is really the most horrifying thing about human intellect. Your subconscious is feeding into the stories around you. Instead of escaping and running to get help, you stay in your house in search of the presumed murderer. Instead of quietly trying to tiptoe away from your monsters, you run screaming, giving away your position in the worst of times. It's human instinct- it's no one's fault, it's just what we've been taught as a union. Psychological fear is what gets you killed. Physically, everything around you could be going fine; but your mind decides that the dark is frightening, that that man looks suspicious- that the one you love is gonna slip straight through the cracks of your fingers.

Sometimes, though, it's right. He's slipping right through my fingers. It's not psychological, it's not emotional pain, physical damage- it's reality. My mind just needs to get itself together and choose which kind of fear it want's to have. In all honesty, i shouldn't even be the one that's scared- Phil should. His blood is eating away at itself, his organs will eventually shut down and his brain will start to crumble and drip away. Everything that was once himself will be nothing but a blob of messy goo and once manmade humility.   
Humans are selfish. We mourn the deaths of people we once 'loved' because they are no longer there to serve us- to sacrifice their portion of themselves to what makes normalcy for everyone else. Eventually, though, we stop crying, stop grieving because our bodies naturally adjusted to the loss, and found a way to modify our lifestyle so we get the source they once provided from someone or something else. For some, it's alcohol, drugs, or sex. Other's its new lovers, new house, new puzzle piece in their portrait of life- but for some, they just can't find that missing chain to help anchor them back to what they once were, so they give up their life 'to be with the one they lost'. When in reality, it's just because they couldn't cope with the fact that the puzzle piece with forever is lost. Notice how when people consult the spouses or loved ones, the immediate fraze they go to is 'they're in a better place,' or 'i'm sorry for your loss', like somehow patronizing is going to make that dead person peaceful. The selfish wishes of others are what fuels the idea that the remaining members of that corps legacy are justified to mourn. No one should more. No one should grieve, because they're already gone- nothing's gonna bring them back,

Nothing will bring back my Phil.

There I go. Phil is not 'my' Phil. Phil is Phil. He deserves his own sentence without my inclusion. I know what's coming in the following months, i've seen enough Discovery Channel documentaries to understand what's to come of cancer patients. They get weak, they get angry, they get lost, then they die. Phil has already gotten weak, which means soon he's gonna get angry. Then he'll lose himself. Then... well... the explanation speaks for itself.

Phil's gonna die.

But i'll be damned if he suffers.

\-----

Breakfast that morning was as painful as it sounds. After Phil retired for the night, i drank. I drank what i thought was a glass or two of Ribena, but i guess it was a little more than a glass or two, and a lot more than Ribena. Stumbling, i eventually found myself elbow deep in a bowl of cereal, milk spilled all over the counter from my lack of concentration and my indistinct motives to make the liquid actually make contact with the cereal. Instead, splashing all over my dirty night shirt and the marble grade counter tops. Quickly cleaning it, i decided against a bowl of Crunchy Nut, and instead i settled on a few Advils and a cup of coffee. Phil had already eaten, considering it was 3 in the afternoon, and was sitting in the lounge scrolling through his phone. I went to change my t-shirt quickly before making my way over to where he was seated. I noticed how pale he seemed to be getting smaller in both muscle tone and in weight. He seemed almost on edge, like he felt sick... i don't doubt it.   
I set my coffee cup down, took the phone from him and studied what he was looking at. Of course, the page plastered on the screen was tumblr, but i was smarter than that- and so was Phil. I double pressed the home button; multiple pages popped up. There was messages, other apps, and farther back was the internet, and pulled up was a website on how 'cancer affected loved ones'.

There it is again- only thinking about the family and not how to help the patient.

"Phil, you have cancer." i stated, obviously. He jerked after his phone when I took it, but quickly settled after realizing how limited his movements actually were. He stared at me strangely, it seeming like I was oblivious to something.  
"I have cancer." Once again, an obvious statement. "So?"

"So you shouldn't be looking at how your disease will affect me. What we should be worried about is getting you better." I pressed the home button once more before letting the screen fade to black. I gave him back the device and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee. He grumbled something, seeming to stare off at something. "What?" I said.

"And what if I don't get better?"

"Don't say that-"

"It's an honest question from an honestly sick man. What are you going to do if i, like, you know... die. What if i die?" His face was cold.

"I'll figure it out if it happens. For now, we're gonna live in a world where you're here. So, have you given any thought to what we discussed at the diner yesterday?" Another sip.

He ignored the fact that I was obviously trying to change the subject. Defeated, he adjusted himself so he was leaning on me. "About the bucket list? No... Well besides the obvious factor that you wouldn't have brought it up if you thought i was going to live?" I dodged the question, but i didn't ignore it.  
"I brought it up because now would be a good time to get some stuff checked off, we have nothing better to do now that Youtube is out of the way."   
He pursed his lips for a second, picking at his nails.

"Now that you're bringing it up again, most of the things i had on my bucket list have been checked off. I wanted to go to America, to visit Tokyo... We've gotten married, so that's checked off. I guess the only thing left would be getting a dog." He giggled, and i scoffed, rolling him off me.

"Think bigger you idiot... Be a normal person and say something like skydiving or meeting Jack Black or whatever." He chuckled.

"Can't get my heartrate up too high, so skydiving is definitely out... That would be cool though. I don't know, really, other than that. I guess... maybe i'd like to do something nice, instead of wasting my bucket list all on myself. I wanna help people." Oh Phil... You're so lame.

I smiled at him. "Remember how happy all those people got when we gave them yellow flowers... well, some of them. Maybe we could do something like that again." He smiled at the idea, and eventually both of us decided on a plan of action.   
With the Advil finally starting to kick in, we made our way down to the convenient store, grabbed a bouquet of flowers, and made our way down to the public mall.

You can all kinda guess what happened next.


End file.
